diary entry twelve
Updated: Aug 17, 2022
it’s an art form.
you checked to see if the door was shut.
you checked to see if you’d done it all so perfectly.
yes, i checked, but even then you can miss the goal.
but why must we call it a miss?
why must they sigh so loudly in their disappointment?
why must the feeling want to blow you away?
and now you’re sitting in the rocking chair, with the grey strings, photo albums, and questions about how you got here.
but how can you know when all you’ve ever done is exist in the loud disappointments.
you forget to watch the leaves fall,
you forget to notice the dimple that you caused,
you forget to love those that are waiting for you to see them— those that have always been there.
you forget to thank the God above for the ones He perfectly aligned for you to meet and it all just passes because they couldn’t wait forever.
you turned your back to face the loud disappointments and past situations and never returned.
why must we focus on the big disappointments?
the big disappointments: they’re like that one relationship i wanted to leave two years ago; they’re like the fight and flight in your body telling you it’s not safe.
they're the growing pains of getting used to the ones that you thought would always be there.
they’re the realisations that no one is coming and it wouldn’t be a loud crowd but a still quiet voice.
they’re the alone times and having to come to terms with the “it’s ok”.
it’s an important lesson to learn and i’ve been learning it for the past few months so i must share it with you all.
you must return. and stop waiting at the window, watching the sun and moon at work because all you need is right here— within you, around you and it has always been here.
to qualify for the next, you must let go of the now and stop counting the score against them— against yourself, because if i never let go, i’d have failed to realise the blessing in meeting you.
you’ve survived before and can and will over and over again.
you’re waiting for things to spring to life but forgetting to notice that you’re right where you’ve always wanted to be.
why must the feeling want to blow you away?
5. you think leaving them a small paper trail to turn the clocks back will change things?
you better wake up to realise the blessing before it leaves and is carried away like the wind.
why must we face the big disappointments?
for me, i had to lean into “my deliverer, my God, my rock” to look past the disappointments. it’ll be different for everyone but find a way.
heal.
so you’re not sat in the rocking chair left with so many questions.
"always looking forward"— m.d.