diary entry seven
Updated: Jan 20, 2022
to write this now is to admit that the domino tiles have fallen, and all the beliefs i had were carried away when you also gave in, and left it all in ruins.
i thought we knew because the beginnings were filled with excitement. i thought the songs i had heard would guide and be the glue to hold it all together— they failed. so you fit and molded your palm into someone else's hand, but if you had asked... thank God you didn't.
i turned to the One with all the answers, as always, when the realisation of what was left set in.
and i wrestled with Him when He asked me to come into His secret place, and lay it on the table before him.
He wanted to speak to me, but there's an uncomfortable weight that comes with so much exposure.
even then, i hated thinking of the ones that got away and the missed time.
so i held up the perfect frame, even with those that i never had to lie to.
the cruelty in it all was hurting myself by trying to conceal the grief from losing a limb.
and now, after many weeks of retrospection and listening to the inner one, flaws upon flaws and mistakes which were never supposed to happen, dangle in front of me.
those heated nights when the lines were drawn; the words poisoned, and when sunlight came, the bitterness sat on the edge of our tongues.
i have regrets about that.
He knew that all the flaws and past incidents would follow and cause the ripple effect of hating the one i once loved— my one and only achilles heel.
the joke here was thinking that standing on the knife edge, and staying bound to past vows, would not cut and bruise.
but as the milestone came, my mind settled and i reached the decision to choose the one i saw in the mirror.
the fire still burns and memories of what was, still strike in the early hours, but He heals and reminds me, and now you, to look forward because there are greater things ahead.
edited by: shabz