diary entry nine

i had prayed for this one for a long time... a really long time.

i wasn't aware of the burden and the contradictions that could come with this transformation process.

this was me stepping into the water, and underestimating its strength, and its nature of being in constant motion.

i prayed because the songs had long faded.

i prayed because the erosion was spreading. they prayed.

i wish i cared.

i wish i still wanted to hold on to things that seemed of such great importance not so long ago.

it became a process by which the opinions and intrusive thoughts about those gathered did not matter so much anymore.

you become this incredible butterfly waiting, finally spreading your wings and flying— flying so high that the rush of what is changing will seem to pass by you without the recollection of exactly how it happened.

i love this very version and i can't wait for you all to experience the moment— the realisation that the hidden dreams tucked away are finally unfolding before you.

even recent moments, alone with the patient One, warned me of the importance of forging ahead and peeling apart the version they had stitched together on those operation tables.

He told me this on that celebration night but the reality created doubt.

sitting here now, and writing this at 1 in the morning, He says "it's here; it's unloading; it's unraveling."

i fear hurting the ones i promised to keep the seal on for because i could hear the cracks of what was coming to life. He said it would burst forth with beautiful colours.

He takes me through this journey that feels shaky and uncertain to me, but so sure and perfect for Him.

He brought me right here, to the state of only listening to His voice and the stamp of His validation.

we no longer wait for the beating drums, the sound of those calling your name, and the blinding lights that you think will shine forever.

i know i will never be able to guess the unspoken trauma that drifts between us as we cross paths, and the many questions disguised as hope but seeped in fear, but you must always listen.

it’s so clear when He says “trust me; trust the process; trust the journey.”

the hands of old habits reach and attempt to claw and shred apart the new wear, but He has called me and you just, righteous, perfect, chosen, loved and fearfully and wonderfully made. He restructures and performs the perfect surgery so you’re never the same again.

m.d.☁️